drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Randomize
