Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
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