he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
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