also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
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Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
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I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
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