Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
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