so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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