I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
I think we might need a safe word for this...
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
