I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize
