i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
Can I color on your dick again?
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
the liver wants what the liver wants
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
