I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
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