sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
