Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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