I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
Randomize
