and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Randomize
