Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Randomize
