Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
Randomize
