Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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