Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
