he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Randomize
