Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
