Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Randomize
