There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
Randomize
