she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
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