On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
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