listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Randomize
