How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
