What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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