Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
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