So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
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