I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
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