i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Randomize
