using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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