Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Randomize
