I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
Randomize
