Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
How does it feel to date your dad?
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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