the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
