ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
Randomize
