I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
Randomize
