my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
PANTIES FOUND
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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