Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
