I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
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