i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
She even gives head with a lisp.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
