:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
