so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
