I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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