Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
I have so many feelings about this burrito
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Randomize
