I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Randomize
