At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize
