The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I will be naked everywhere
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
