My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
