I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
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