It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
My dick has a subreddit
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
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