why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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