turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Randomize
