i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
