broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Come on in and take your pants off
Randomize
