My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Randomize
