in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
Randomize
