a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
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i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
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I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
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